The Needy Writer Syndrome

Breaking Free from Validation Addiction

I had convinced myself that my partner was unsupportive of my passion for writing, but the reality was completely different. I’ve been wrestling with this misconception for months; fortunately, I recently had a breakthrough that I thought was worth sharing.

The Needy Writer

For quite some time, I believed my partner was fundamentally opposed to my work. In my mind, she viewed it as a waste of time, something unproductive that took me away from more valuable pursuits. This perception became deeply ingrained over several months, maybe since the beginning of 2024.

The truth, as I discovered through an honest conversation this weekend, was far more nuanced and had little to do with the act of writing itself.

Misreading the Signs

As writers, many of us develop a peculiar sensitivity around our craft. We interpret innocent comments as criticism, casual observations as judgment, and practical concerns as attempts to undermine our creative pursuits.

During our conversation, my partner made it crystal clear that she has no issue with my writing. She understands it's my creative outlet and would never intentionally stand in my way. Her concerns were about balance and presence, not the writing itself.

In the early days of this newsletter, I would spend anywhere from three to eight hours producing each edition (ironically, with questionable quality results). Now, I've streamlined the process to about an hour and a half, two hours maximum, depending on the topic. But even then, the writing wasn't the problem.

The issue arose after I finished writing. I'd dive into Substack, podcasts, or a book, spending countless hours reading while my partner handled household responsibilities—cooking, cleaning, and maintaining our home. I essentially created my own little world, separate from our shared life, regardless of season or circumstances. I was physically present but mentally absent.

The INFJ Writer's Dilemma

According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, which I've taken multiple times with consistent results, I'm an INFJ. That's Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging. The last trait doesn't mean I'm judgmental of others, but rather that I tend to be evaluative of situations and particularly self-critical.

This personality profile helps explain my defensive reactions. I haven't been truly open or listened properly to what was being said, instead taking comments out of context and responding with oversensitivity—classic traits of what I've come to call "the needy writer."

I'd convinced myself that I needed constant feedback and support, that my writing wouldn’t thrive without external validation. But the truth? I didn't actually need it. While appreciation is pleasant, I've developed some reasonable skill at short-form writing without constant reassurance.

Facing the Fear of Long-Form Writing

My procrastination around returning to my book project isn't about a lack of support, then, it's about my lack of self-confidence. Long-form writing represents an entirely different challenge, one that I've been avoiding through various excuses and deflections.

The most perplexing aspect of this fear is that I can't precisely identify what I'm afraid of. Failure? Criticism? Time commitment? Uncertainty of the process? Whatever it is, I recognize that I need to "take the bull by the horns" and simply begin. The desire is there; only the courage is lacking.

Finding Balance: Family Time and Writing Time

Since recognizing these patterns at the beginning of this year, I've made a conscious effort to be more present with my family. I've prioritized shared experiences, committed to genuine togetherness, and tried to be fully engaged when I'm not writing.

However, at the slightest provocation, I find myself slipping back into feelings of being unsupported or even actively opposed in my creative pursuits. It's a cycle I'm working to break, recognizing that the issue isn't with my partner's attitude toward my writing but with my ability to balance passion and partnership.

Final Thoughts

The writer's journey isn't just about crafting words on a page—it's about integrating that creative process into a full and balanced life. My experience has taught me that the obstacles we perceive to our writing are often projections of our own insecurities rather than external barriers.

Moving forward, I'm committed to maintaining a healthy balance between my writing passion and my relationships, recognizing that neither needs to come at the expense of the other. I'm also working to address the underlying fear that keeps me from diving into long-form projects.

Perhaps most importantly, I'm learning to distinguish between genuine needs and perceived ones, understanding that while support is wonderful, my writing ultimately depends on my own commitment and conviction. The needy writer within me is giving way to a more balanced creator, one who can draw satisfaction from the work itself without requiring constant external validation. Or, at least, that’s the plan.

The Real Final Thoughts

I almost didn’t publish the newsletter this week. Gorgeous weather and a family birthday took priority. As usual, I didn’t really know what I would write about. Oh, I had several potential ideas, but nothing concrete. That conversation with my wife sealed it.

Not only did it give me my subject for the week, but it brought important issues to the fore that had been festering for far too long. I had meant to ‘have a talk’ for several weeks, but I always chickened out. I’m so happy that I finally had the guts to say what I was feeling. The revelations that came out of it are helping me sort out my emotions and needs, some of which I wasn’t aware of before.

I only wish I’d done it months ago.